School Diaries
by Renny
Summary: Diaries of Sirius, Remus, James, Snape, Lily, and Peter when he gets back from Madam Pomfrey. Which is not likely.
1. Day 1

Disclaimer: I own nothing.  
  
I live in a doghouse on the side of my parents' house.  
  
I sleep on a rag and eat scraps so I can pay my cable bill which has my internet hooked up to it.  
  
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Remus & Sirius  
  
Summary: I have no clue. I haven't written it yet!  
  
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Dear Journal:  
  
Day 1  
  
Today we were having a picnic out by the lake. The giant squid grabbed Peter and sucked him off for a while. Peter liked it, and then it sucked too hard and let's just say, Peter will never procreate.  
  
Sirius was looking great in his little man thong he wears to go swimming. Yellow polka dots look great on him! Of course anything looks great on him. He makes me want to growl.  
  
Of course the last time I growled, in front of the guys, at his sexiness he ran away. Of course they were screaming that I was turning into a werewolf because Snape's pants fell down and the full moon was showing.  
  
I wonder if Siri likes me. One can only hope.  
  
Remus Black (hopefully)  
  
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Dear Journal:  
  
Day 1  
  
I can't believe that Dumbledore wants us to write in these things.  
  
They treat us like inmates. If I really was an inmate do you think Remus would be my bitch? I mean since he is a werewolf and they're part of the dog family and I'm a dog sometimes (literally) maybe we could. . .  
  
Nahhh. . . Remus wouldn't like me he's smart, kind, generous, always on time, absolutely gorgeous. He's across from me writing in his stupid journal. I wonder what he writes about. Maybe I'll steal it when he goes to sleep.  
  
Sirius Lupin (I wish)  
  
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Day 1 - Night 1  
  
Dear Journal:  
  
Those two idiots are absolutely in love with each other and both are scared to ask if the other likes them.  
  
I was with Lily, doing some naughty things in the closet, when I over heard Moony going on and on about Sirius and his yellow polka dotted thong and his sexiness. Then Sirius starts talking about Remus being his bitch.  
  
I caught Sirius trying to steal Remus' journal, but I made sure he didn't get it.  
  
They're weird maybe I should just make them kiss. That would horrify them. Especially if it was in front of everyone in the Great Hall. Wait I should write that down and make Malfoy and Snape do it.  
  
Ewwwwwwww. . . Malfoy and Snape doing it! I'm so gross.  
  
Mr. and Mrs. Potter (Yeah right like Lily'd ever marry me)  
  
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Dear Journal:  
  
Day 1  
  
You know how much I like Potter. My passion for his body exceeds anything that little bitch could do for him. Why do I torture him so?  
  
He thinks I hate him, but I don't. Well anyway he apparently found a curse that makes you kiss the nearest person to you. I can't believe I snogged Lucius! The man never washes his hair he just gels it so he smells horrible.  
  
Then he complained about my greasy hair. Can I help it if my hair gets greasy if I don't wash it every two seconds?  
  
They will hold a funeral for Pettigrew's balls tomorrow morning. They'll be buried next to Hilda Harrison's implants that exploded last year.  
  
Severus Potter (That'll never happen)  
  
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Dear Journal:  
  
Day 1  
  
*Like a Valley Girl* Hey, guess what like totally happen! Believe me you will like totally never believe this!  
  
James and I were like making out in a closet when like Sirius says he like LOVES Moony.  
  
I was like well duh, you've just been like crushin' on him sense, like, forever! Remus Like is totally crushin' too but he's too shy to like say anything.  
  
I find that so adorable! Like myself!  
  
I want to have James's baby. I'll name it Harry. Because James is really hairy down there.  
  
(Hopefully) The Mother of James' Legitimate Child  
  
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I'm weird this was in my head. ^-^ 


	2. Day 2

Disclaimer: Unfortunately I own none of the Harry Potter characters.  
  
I do own my "plot." *Smacks the nearest laughing person.*  
  
So on with the show.  
  
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Remus & Sirius  
  
Summary: There are some diaries and some people and an author who most people think is on Crack.  
  
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Dear Journal:  
  
Day 2  
  
Remus looks so hot scratching his flees over there. That bed's big enough for two maybe I should help him scratch. Biting his tender neck massaging the little irritated spots on his back. . .  
  
Okay I'm just going to end up with another boner if I think about his tight furry ass.  
  
Peter's balls' funeral went well until Periwinkle Parkinson gave a dirty look at him for peeking at her in the shower, and remember the old saying 'shooting daggers with the eyes' well being magic and all. . . let's just say in the end Peter had more holes in him than Swiss cheese.  
  
He's still in the infirmary. Anyway, Remus is hot and Snape likes James's crotch. That's my quote of the day like it? Great now I'm talking to paper.  
  
Remus's ass admirer,  
  
Sirius  
  
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Dear Journal:  
  
Day 2  
  
OMG, Sirius looked so hot scratching his ass. After that he stuck his finger in his mouth and gave Peter a wet willy, but I can't figure out why James was says 'eww' for.  
  
Anyway that Parkinson girl did a number on Peter. Fifty seven knife wounds and the most he could say was 'MY SPLEEN!!!' Then he passed out.  
  
I caught James and Lily going at it again. If there not careful Lily might get her wish for James's child. I heard her ranting on and on about how she was going to name it Harry. I wonder how she got the idea for the name.  
  
Oh well, I think they should name it Siri. Isn't that the most adorable name? What else happened today? I don't care right now I'm off to stare at Sirius getting his fly on. You know he loves the feel of something hard in between his legs.  
  
*Wishes Sirius was Irish* Kilts would come in handy while watching him play Quidditch,  
  
Remus  
  
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Dear Journal:  
  
Day 2  
  
Lily and I were back in the closet today. Wow, we've had some good times there, me talking to her so she'll give me some ass, me never letting her forget condoms get in the way, and me making her give me head so she'll shut up.  
  
Wow, we're so in love! She's already planning our wedding though I have no idea why she wants her dress so big. I mean she's not that fat. She's just started to be pleasantly plump.  
  
Sirius and Remus are hot for each other like two dogs in heat. What else is new? Tormented Snape and Lucius today the usual. Apparently, they don't like their new nick names. . . Sally and Lucy. I thought they were good.  
  
They didn't seem to like the other things I did either. Well, see ya. I'm going make out with Lily.  
  
A shag a day keeps little James at bay,  
  
James  
  
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Dear Journal:  
  
Day 2  
  
Hi it's me . . . as always. I was at the funeral staring at James again. Man, is his ass hot. I just want to grope it all day. Anyway Peter has had another accident, and maybe I'll see James at while I bring another potion for the pain.  
  
Of course I spike it with pain inducers. I'm still a Slytherin and besides I like James not his little foot stool Peter.  
  
James made up some nicknames for me and Lucius. I quite like Sally. Makes me feel special that he thought it up himself. Though when charmed our underwear into thongs I got a little angry. How do girls wear those things? Our ass crack is one crack you're not supposed to fill.  
  
They were pretty though. Pink and lacy. *Author hate pink, but loves Snapie Pooh*  
  
I'm going stare at the magnificence that is Potter's ass. I love watching him in the showers after Quidditch.  
  
*Wishes he could use grease in his hair for more than dates with Palmula*  
  
Severus  
  
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Dear Journal:  
  
Day 2  
  
*Like a Valley Girl* Like oh my God, Remus uses OMG. OMG, I never knew that!  
  
I was, like totally, picking out my dress for the wedding. FINALLY MY DREAM OF HAVING JAMES'S CHILD IS COMING TRUE.  
  
Who knew pissing on a stick could tell you if you had a baby or not! Snape was, like looking, uncomfy in that pink thong. Now he knows how we, like, feel. We'll it's not comfortable for a while but it, like, totally gets, WAY better.  
  
Especially when James is taking it off.  
  
I'm going to help little James stay at bay,  
  
Lily  
  
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Incase you don't know Palmula is your palm. You know jacking off.  
  
We'll anyway sorry about the wait my internet got cut off for two weeks. 


	3. Day 3

Disclaimer: Do you know how many of these I've written? I could bind them all together and make a book, but unfortunately I don't want to be sued so I will make yet another.  
  
I DO NOT own Harry Potter or any of his many franchises. The whimsical and mysterious woman J.K. Rowling does. She is the Potter Queen and I am not. . . oh well I'm off.  
  
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Sorry about the wait. Got my results in 3 A's and 1 B. In my school we have four classes each semester. Anyway, I got a 105 A on my Italy report and another A on my Casserole I had to cook in Home Economics today. Damn I'm good. I'm writing this one because they're really short and I have NO time.  
  
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Remus & Sirius  
  
Summary: People from long ago Hogwarts write in their journals. . . and stuff.  
  
*Gives you pictures of naked Remus and Sirius*  
  
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Dear Journal:  
  
Day 3  
  
Today Remus asked me to be his HUSBAND!!! Okay it was for Home Ec. and I was only person left but you have to admit it was sweet. (^-^ I have to take it! They had no room left in French)  
  
We get "married" tomorrow and James is going to the best man. Remus has to wear a dress because I won the coin toss. Good thing my parents are evil. Or they would have never let me have that two headed knut.  
  
Peter got out of the infirmary today, but unfortunately when he was celebrating with his rat palls the stink of cheese got all over him and they attacked. I told him rubbing cheese on your dick, for luck, was a bad idea. But did he listen? No and now look at him. Well no don't look at him it's kind of sad.  
  
Well tomorrow is going to be GREAT!!! See ya then,  
  
Sirius. . . Husband of Mr. Remus Black! *does victory dance*  
  
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Dear Journal:  
  
Day 3  
  
Get this! Mrs. MouseBurger, our Home Economics teacher set up this whole get married for two days thing, and since no one wanted to be my partner :- ( I asked Sirius and he said sure!  
  
Though when we did the coin toss he won and now I have to wear a dress, but that's okay I gate to be with Sirius. Oh did you hear about Peter? Siri told him about rubbing cheese on his dick. It's kind of gross though. They had to search for hours to find the rest of it. Apparently the rats had a fight over who got what and they had to break it apart.  
  
Dumbledore found all the pieces though. He's in the infirmary now. He keeps saying he can't feel his balls. I wonder if anyone told him that they're now in a hole cuddling up with some busted implants?  
  
Oh well, this day can't get any better,  
  
Remus. . . wife of Sirius Black!!! *does The Hustle*  
  
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Dear Journal:  
  
Day 3  
  
Hello Jello. . . Sally's back! Guess what! James didn't hurt or make fun of me today! And I got to peek into his room while he was changing. There's a closet near his room with a hole in the wall.  
  
I think a lot of couples must have used the thing because there were tons of dirty used condoms and lots of what I think is gel on the wall. Heard the Pettigrew boy got hid dick bitten off by some rats. Bet that would be funny to watch.  
  
Just Lucius and I, with some popcorn and a mental image of naked Potter floating in my mind. My, that would be a great show!  
  
I got paired up with Lucius as my partner again. I'm the girl. . .again.  
  
Well I must go. There's a party downstairs and the guys are getting drunk. Maybe I can get some ass and in the morning he will be so embarrassed he won't tell a soul!  
  
Severus  
  
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Dear Journal:  
  
Day 3  
  
Lily told me she's pregnant. *James's eye twitches uncontrollably* I am going to be a father. What should I do?  
  
. . . . . . . . . . . . .(Long Pause) . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
  
I'll be the BEST DAD EVER!!! He'll get to eat all the chocolate he wants, he'll get to watch all the porn he wants, and when he gets caught yanking the chain his mom won't make him take cold baths for the rest of the week and tell your grandmother how small you are.  
  
*James muffles something about ' 7-year-olds aren't supposed to be humongous you know'*  
  
James. . . Lily's Baby's Daddy  
  
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Dear Journal:  
  
Day 3  
  
*Like Valley Girl* LIKE OMG, James was like so okay with me being all pregnant and stuff. We got paired together in Home Ec. We are like so getting extra points having a baby.  
  
Dumbledore told me that the points will be greatly needed because like apparently I'm like a total moron! I can't believe he said that! I mean like just because I like talk like this doesn't make me dumb. . .  
  
I'M GOING TO TELL MY MOMMY ON LIKE HIM!!!  
  
Lily. . . James's Baby's Momma  
  
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I'm starting to run out of ways to hurt Peter. Got any ideas please give them to me. Sorry about the wait.  
  
The most wonderful asshole on Earth,  
  
~Renny~ 


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